Today is 15 DPO and I am a raging bitch! I can’t seem to help myself. Last night my husband made dinner and then surprised me with ice cream from our favorite place. A few hours later while I was packing for our trip the phone rang. I yelled downstairs for him to answer the phone. One ring, two rings. He still hasn’t answered. So I yell louder (no phone upstairs and I was packing while he was watching TV). He then answers that it is probably too late and to let the machine get it. That set me off into crazy land. I couldn’t stop yelling. I was waiting for the kennel to call to tell me what time we could drop off the dogs and I was sure it was them. Even though I knew I was wrong, I couldn’t stop myself. So unless pregnancy symptoms are identical to bitchy pms symptoms, I don’t think I am - but I haven't given up hope. I just pray I can be nicer to my husband on our 9 hour trip to Florida! :)

Today is CD 13. My temperature went down again today. I don’t feel like I am about to start and it is still a few days early, so who knows.

We found out some wonderful news this weekend. Our friends just found out that their fifth round of IVF worked! She finally got her positive! I am so very happy for them. Before my first appointment with the RE we met for dinner and she talked with me for hours about what to expect and what they had experienced. I was amazed at her positive attitude. They weren’t sure if they were going to try anymore – emotionally and financially exhausted. The only drawback to quitting IVF is her husband was against adoption. Yay for them!

That is about all my news. I spent pretty much the entire weekend working. I will be so glad when this crap is over and I am in Florida with my family for the holidays!

10 DPO

I am a bad, bad blogger. I am giving myself an F for the month of December. I have been working late almost every night (year-end sucks in most finance departments). When I get home, the last thing I feel like doing is getting back on a computer. But I promise to do better.

Today is 10 DPO. I don’t think our chances are very good this month. I was out of town on business for several days – coming home on ovulation day. I know we are supposed to do it the next night too, but B made me so mad that night I didn’t even want to look at him. He was just joking around but he didn’t pick up on the fact that he was hurting my feelings until way too late. It really wasn’t a big deal, just very bad timing.

I talked to my RE at the beginning of this cycle and we decided that if this one didn’t work we will try an IUI in January. I am glad he understands our situation – with B deploying in April – and allows me to be as aggressive with our approach as I want.

So now we just wait and see. There is so much to keep me busy with work and the holidays that I am not paying too much attention to my 2ww. Hopefully this continues!

I should start off by saying that I started my period on Tuesday. Sucked big time! I was able to get to the RE's office on Monday for bloodwork, which of course came back negative. I feel like such a dumbass taking the wrong freaking test! Oh well, I am blaming our tiny dark bathroom for the mix-up and not myself. :) I wish I didn't wake B up to show him though. Now he will never believe another pregnancy test - even though I tried explaining the mix-up to him.

I did get to talk with my RE on Tuesday. He wants me to do at least another round of just the Femara and then try an IUI when I am ready. Now that B will be deploying in April, I am definitely ready to try the IUI sooner rather than later.

I started taking the Femera last night - damn the hot flashes are bad this time. We actually had our window open (in Boston!) last night and it was still too hot for me. I am even sweating now! Hopefully it won't be too bad for our 14 hour car ride home. Yikes!

I hope everyone had a lovely Thanksgiving! I can't wait to catch up on all my blogs.

Frick!

I don’t know what to think. Today is CD 17. This morning I tested, but I accidentally used an OPK instead of an HPT – except I didn’t realize it at the time. So when a light second line appeared, I was so excited. I even woke B up and had him look at it to make sure he saw the line too. While I was getting ready for work (hands shaking from excitement, of course) I noticed that the brand of test was Clear Blue, which is not the brand of HPT tests I had in the house. That is when I realized my error. I started thinking about all the threads on baby center about OPK’s being used as HPT’s, so I thought maybe I was okay. I stopped by the store this morning and bought three different brands of HPT’s – all BFN.

My temperature dropped a little yesterday (from 98.26 to 98.10) so I assumed AF was coming today. My temp this morning was 98.17, which is the only reason I tested - my chart. If AF comes tomorrow I am going to be so disappointed. We are driving to Boston tomorrow to spend Thanksgiving with B’s family. It is going to be hard for me not to think about last year when we were driving to Florida to visit my family while I was miscarrying.

I am thinking about calling the RE’s office and saying I saw a light second line so I can come in for a blood test. Since we will be out of town all week going today will at least give me a concrete answer, right?

Ladybug

Yesterday afternoon I looked down at my desk and saw a ladybug crawling in front of my keyboard. Now I work on the third floor in an internal cube – i.e. I have to walk outside of my cube and down the hall to even see a window, which you can’t open anyways. I have no idea how this poor gal got to my cube, but I decided to take it as a sign of good luck.

And seeing as how I was looking at her arrival as good luck, it occurred to me that she would most likely die if I didn’t escort her out of my building. Can’t bring me good luck if she’s dead, right? So I securely placed her in a tissue, walked her down the steps and out the door. Hopefully she flew away with positive thoughts about her rescuer (me) and bestows good luck on me (a BFP!).

Yes, I have crossed over into crazy land – but it sure is nice here! Testing tomorrow…

Congratulations to Amy! Her son, Carter, was born at 3:46 this morning. Yay for Amy, Chris, and Carter!!

BFN

Yes, I took the test ridiculously early and so it was no surprise that it was a BFN. Today is CD 12. Since I don’t get AF until at the earliest CD 17 and at the latest CD 21, I am not too upset. Dollar Trees around here don’t carry pregnancy tests and I didn’t order any cheap internet tests on purpose - so I didn’t obsess. Isn’t that hilarious? Oh well, at least I can admit that I am a POAS addict.

I am vowing not to take another test until at the earliest Saturday, which will be CD 15. I would like to wait longer, but we’ll see. With 3 pregnancy tests just waiting for me in the cabinet, it will be hard to wait much longer.

As it turns out, I am a big fat liar! I said it was way too early to test so I wasn’t even going to think about testing for a while. Well this morning when I was inputting today’s temp into FF, I noticed that tomorrow is 5 days before AF is forecasted due. And how many days before AF is First Response early pregnancy test supposed to detect pregnancy – 5 days! Coincidence? I think not! I know that some people don’t produce enough hormone that early and that it is most likely setting myself up for disappointment – but damn if I didn’t pull up a spreadsheet to figure out how much money I should spend and how many tests to buy. I was in a meeting so it at least made me look busy! I saw First Response was on sale at Walgreens, which I took as another reason that I should go ahead and buy/test early. Yes, I have a problem.

On a completely different subject, I volunteered with Habitat for Humanity last week. What a wonderful and rewarding experience. Plus they let me be in charge of cutting things with the circular saw! I don’t think my husband believed me, but my friend just sent proof:


Can you tell I was enjoying the power?!

I'm back!

I have been so slammed at work this past week that I have neglected my blog and have had no time to read other blogs. Even though I’ve only been in the blog world for a few months, I felt so disconnected being out of the loop for a week!

B dropped a big bomb on me last week – he may be deploying again in April. With his job, the majority of the deployments are voluntary. If I get pregnant this cycle, he would be gone from 6 to 8 ½ months! He thought this was perfect timing because he would be home in time for the birth. Keep in mind this is a voluntary deployment. I would completely understand if it was a typical deployment (i.e. he gets called up, he deploys, no questions asked) although I would still be very disappointed.

I finally convinced him that it would be very hard on me for him to be gone that late in pregnancy – especially with our closest family 7 hours away. He then asked if it would be okay for him to deploy if I didn’t get pregnant this cycle. Even though I wanted to tell him no, I know that I can’t continue to play the “what if” game in regards to pregnancy. I’ve been playing it too long and it just gets old after a while. So if I don’t get pregnant this cycle, he will most likely deploy in April.

I think the reason that I’m not too upset about this is because I really feel like this cycle will work. I am 10 DPO today. Unfortunately my luteal phase ranges from 17-21 days, so I still have a while before I can test. I should find out if I am pregnant on almost exactly the same day as when I got the positive pregnancy test last November! Does time of year have anything to do with fertility?

So far my chart looks pretty good but I know only time will tell. I should be pretty busy at work this week so hopefully I can keep my mind off of testing for a while longer!

Waiting game

It should be no surprise that B was ecstatic over his s/a results. He couldn’t believe his total was 90 million because he said there wasn’t much too test. I feel really good about our chances this cycle. I ovulated on Friday and we were able to squeeze in some loving on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, even with mother-in-law downstairs.

I say I ovulated Friday because of my temps, but I never got a good positive OPK. There was no line on Thursday, a light line on Friday when I tested at 7:30 pm, a darker, but still light, line on Saturday when I tested at 6:00 pm, and no line on Sunday. Hopefully we timed everything okay. I would have liked to start the love-fest on Thursday, but B was way too exhausted from his stressful day of “wanking” (his words, obviously).

All in all the weekend with his mom and her boyfriend went well. B is from Boston and his entire family, except us, still lives there. With the Red Sox winning the World Series and the Pats winning last night – all was good. B’s fantasy football team even won yesterday!

Now we are at the dreaded 2ww. Bleh. I hate this part of the cycle.

Weekend

Update: No lotion contamination!! Yay! The RE nurse just called to tell me that his totals were 90 million, and that anything above 20 million was good. I have a feeling there will be a significant amount of high-fiving and who’s the man type comments going on at my home this evening. Hopefully this news will result in some good feelings for the upcoming “doing it Olympics” as he likes to call the on-demand sex around ovulation.

Yesterday was B’s semen analysis. Boy was that a big fat pain in my ass. The whole process was stressing him out – how gross it was to be in a room were only s/a’s were performed, how unnatural it was to do it without lube, etc. He ended up doing it at home and unfortunately ended up using some lube (hand lotion). Not to be too graphic, but he says he kept the lotion away from the container and away from the end of his member. Does anyone else have a husband with this problem? I really hope the lotion doesn’t end up screwing the results. He swears he tried for thirty minutes – making himself raw and damn near starting a fire. Earlier in the week I offered to come home to “help” but he didn’t think he would need any.

We were supposed to find out the results yesterday, but they never called. I called today and the only nurse that can give results is at the IVF clinic until this afternoon. I have serious doubts that we will find out before this weekend.

Speaking of this weekend, the in-laws are coming to visit and I am supposed to ovulate. Seriously, what kind of crap timing is that? B’s mom and her boyfriend should be in town sometime today. We don’t know when because they have stopped off at a casino or two on their way down from New England. I got a very light second line on my OPK yesterday, so I am guessing today (CD 14) or tomorrow will be the day.

Nothing says DO ME NOW more than having your freaking mom 20 feet away – poor guy. If the s/a stressed him out, this will probably push him over the edge!

Testing him

I was going to try to wait to talk with B about the semen analysis until next cycle. “Try” being the key word. Instead I opted to hand him the sheet the doctor gave me describing the analysis in detail during the commercial break of a football game. I admit, poor planning on my part. Bless his heart, my poor husband’s face was hysterical as he read through everything. He looked up at me with horror in his eyes and said “so they want me to jerk off at the doctors office?!” Crude, but hysterical.

I am not sure what exactly he thought his testing would consist of, but apparently the true meaning never crossed his mind. Since I should ovulate this weekend, he either needs to get tested early this week or sometime next week. I tried to explain this to him, but he still couldn’t get over what they were actually asking him to do!

FYI – for those of you that asked about combining the semen analysis and IUI: it turns out that my RE wants me to have at least one medicated cycle with B here before trying an IUI. Even though we have had 6 medicated cycles, this will be the first with the RE. Thanks for the suggestion though! It was something I hadn’t even considered.

I pray that his test results come back okay. I don’t know how he will react if he finds out that something is wrong with him.

Open Enrollment

It’s that time of year again – open benefits enrollment at work. I am not worried about the actual benefits part as I use my husband’s military insurance for everything except dental. Instead I am trying to figure out how much money to put into my flexible spending account – i.e. how much do I think our IF treatments will cost this year. Crap! I am frustrated that I even have to budget for this.

I really think this might be our cycle. The Femara worked great last cycle making me ovulate earlier than ever before. B is finally back and excited to get moving on the baby making. Plus this is when we got pregnant last year. I found out right before Thanksgiving that I was pregnant. It shocks me to realize that it has almost been a whole year since our loss. I was so sure I would get pregnant before my EDD of the first pregnancy. When that date passed in late July, I was positive I would get pregnant by the time the one year anniversary of our loss passed. You think I wouldn’t be so sure that this is our cycle with all of that weighing on my shoulders, but somehow I still am.

Which leads me to my current predicament – how should I budget for next year. I know I can use the money in a flexible spending account on a lot of different things so it’s not like it would be wasted if I put too much in for IF treatments. The uncertainty just bugs the crap out of me which really isn’t too surprising since I am a financial analyst. I have until November 9th to decide – unfortunately I won’t know if this cycle works by then. Oh well, this builds character – right?

Gassy anyone?

Today is CD 6, day 4 of Femara. So far I think B agrees that the side effects of Femara are much less severe than Clomid. I am not sure if it is the Femara, but dang am I gassy. Thank goodness we have dogs that I can blame it on! Especially since one of them has horrendous gas normally.

I haven’t decided when or how I am going to approach the whole semen analysis issue. He has never voiced resistance but I know he isn’t exactly overjoyed with the idea. I think I might wait to see how this cycle turns out before I start bugging him about setting up an appointment. It’s funny how I am so optimistic that this cycle will work. I am not sure why – I think in the back of my mind I’ve decided that something in Afghanistan gave B super sperm!

Back to reality

We had a wonderful time in the Smoky Mountains! The weather was beautiful and perfect for hiking. It was so nice to be able to spend time together again. We did occasionally bicker, but I had to stop myself from getting too upset about it. How many times does a normal couple bicker over the course of 4 months? Our conversations during his deployment were condensed to 10-15 minutes every week or two. Thankfully we didn’t argue during that time. We decided that if you add up all the times we could have argued, but didn’t – we are doing damn good!

Here is a picture:


After his last deployment we had to deal with the transition of him coming back home. The military calls it reintegration. We received a lot of information about it before his first deployment. I didn’t think we would need it because we were newlyweds – he left 5 weeks after we got married. Boy was I wrong! It started about a week after he came home, after the newness had worn off, and lasted about a week. I had to make myself not yell at him over the smallest things like if he put away the groceries wrong or didn’t empty the dishwasher correctly.

He has now been home a week and damn if I am not fighting the same feelings of trying not to kill the poor man! I know it will get better in the next few days, but it just makes me feel terrible. The military stresses that you need to take thing slowly because like deployment, reunion is a process, not an event. Easy to say but not so easy to tell the ‘ol hormones to calm the hell down!

And now for the good news – no UTI!! Yay! I was so happy…and so was he! Thanks again for the advice about the prophylactic antibiotics.

Let the games begin!

My husband is finally home from his deployment!!

I am in a funk. My husband still isn’t home. He never actually gave me a date when he would be home - I just thought he would be here by now. Then I had a horrible experience at the salon last night which still has me angry. Combine the two and you have one pissed off, slightly hormonal basket case with a cute new haircut

The girl who cuts my hair knows about our situation – Clomid made my super straight hair curly and now Letrozole is making my stupid hair fall out. She was convinced I was pregnant when my hair started getting curly which is when I made the fatal mistake of telling her. I didn’t realize how fatal it was until last night.

Within the first 5 minutes of my haircut one of the other stylists joked that my stylist was pregnant – I missed why this was funny, but everyone laughed. She is 31 and just had her third child about a year ago. Apparently she thought it would be hilarious to say that she would sell her baby if she ever got pregnant again. Then when she realized what she said, or maybe saw the expression on my face, decided it was best to tell me everything bad about pregnancy – saggy boobs, losing hair, hot flashes, no sleep, etc. I told her I had 3 out of the 4 symptoms with just my fertility meds.

She also told me that I really hadn’t tried very long so I shouldn’t be discouraged because it took her a “long time” to get pregnant with her third. A “long time” to her meant 6 months of “kind of” trying. I didn’t feel the need to go back through the 18 months of trying including one miscarriage and 6 rounds of fertility meds. I realize that when someone is trying even 2 months seems like a long wait, but knowing my circumstances I figured she would be more sensitive.

I am losing my patience fast! Please husband, come home SOON … before I start getting violent!

My RE called on Friday afternoon to make sure he understood my request for the prophylactic antibiotic. Apparently the actual message got lost in translation from the nurse because he thought I already had a bladder infection that I wanted treated before my husband returned home. Once the story got straightened out he was glad to write me the prescription – with 5 refills!

He also told me that my ultrasound showed a cyst on my right ovary. He thinks this is the pain that I’ve been feeling over the past few months. I am relieved because I thought it might by my endometriosis coming back. The cyst doesn’t look bad so they are just going to monitor it for now.

Still not sure when my husband is coming home. He did ask me to reactivate his cell phone and car insurance by the end of the week. I rented us a beautiful cabin in the Smoky Mountains for the 18th-21st, so he best be home by then!

I spent the majority of this weekend cleaning like a mad-woman. I am so excited for B to come home that I decided everything had to look perfect. Not really a good idea for the ‘ol sanity. Especially considering it is forecasted to rain tomorrow. We really need the rain, but my freaking white kitchen floor has no chance of staying spotless with two dogs in the rain! Plus Count must be blowing his coat because my floors seem to be covered in his hair! We did buy the FURminator a few months ago – I can’t imagine how much hair would be on my floors if we didn’t have it. If you click the link you will see pictures of dogs with piles of hair surrounding them. We thought that was just a marketing ploy until we saw the amount of hair we got off our cattle dog. It really was amazing. But to be honest, right now I just wish we could bald the dog and be done with it!

Open and ready for business!

I just got a call from my RE nurse – my tubes are both open and my uterus looks great! She said it was the only normal test result from that day. Although I didn't think anything was wrong (after the preliminary results of the HSG), I was very relieved to actually hear it.

And more good news: a positive OPK!


I've never received a positive result before. And I got it on day 15, which also has never happened before! Now if only my husband would get his behind home, we could get this show on the road.

The side effects from Letrozole have been less severe and not as long lasting as Clomid. Does anyone know if unusual hunger is a side effect?! I sure hope it is because I have been so hungry the past few weeks. I mean to the point of waking up in the middle of the night to my stomach growling. I am going to pretend it’s a side effect either way.


Thanks to Katie and Kristin for recommending prophylactic antibiotics in an effort not to get a UTI the day after he gets home. I didn’t realize that there was such a thing. My RE nurse is going to ask the doctor about it and get back to me today. I would like to get it today in case he surprises me and comes home early!

October

It is finally October! This is the month that B is coming home. I can’t wait! He can’t tell me the date, but I think it will be in the next two weeks. We are planning to rent a cabin in Tennessee for a long weekend to just relax and hike with the dogs.

Last year when he got back from deployment we had a huge ski trip planned and it became way too stressful. He ended up getting delayed first in Afghanistan and then in Germany. He didn’t make it home until the day before we were supposed to leave. We also learned during that vacation that it can be very overwhelming to go from not seeing each other at all for several months to being around each other constantly in a small ski lodge.

The theme for this homecoming is stress-free – other than the obvious fertility stress.

I am on day 14 of my cycle. I have two concerns that I know I have no control over, but still can’t help thinking about.

1.) My period might come on or right before he gets home. I know this isn’t a big deal, but I got my period the day before he left and it sucked. It would be nice to be able to properly welcome him home! :) My cycles are so unpredictable and seem to be getting longer – the last one was 50 days. Not sure how Letrozole will impact everything. It would be wonderful if I was ovulating when B came home, but doubtful.

2.) I will get a bladder infection when he comes home. This happened last time and it also sucked. Bless his heart, he got to do it twice before I had to cut him off for a week – this happened on our fateful ski trip noted above. I wish there was a way to prevent the dreaded UTI, but I do everything I am supposed to (pee before, pee after) and nothing seems to help. I hope that the recent violations - the ultrasound and HSG – might at least help get me ready for when he comes home. Yes, that is sad but true.

Test

I had the test on Thursday. It was very painful, but not nearly as bad as I had anticipated. The part I was not prepared for was walking into the room and seeing the hot young doctor who was to perform the test! I am pretty sure I didn’t have my poker face on when I saw him. He was very nice and professional though. After the procedure he walked me through the x-rays and his preliminary findings – everything looked clear! Yay!

Other than the pain, the worst part happened when I tried to get off of the table at the end. My gown got stuck on something and yep, you guessed it - I got off of the table and my gown stayed up on the table. The doctor had to help me get my gown un-stuck. So much for leaving with any dignity.

I finished the Letrozole and I start the OPK’s tomorrow. Thanks for those who left comments explaining why Letrozole had the no pregnancy warning. It was a little unsettling to see but good to know that it isn’t harmful to me.

Letrozole

Imagine my surprise when I picked up my Letrozole/Femara prescription and saw this warning: Do NOT use this medicine if you are pregnant or plan to become pregnant. What?! I read up on Letrozole so I knew that while it has been known to help ovulation it has not been FDA approved for that purpose yet – it is approved for treatment of breast cancer. But I definitely wasn’t expecting a warning like this! Since this is a test cycle with my husband still being gone, I’m not too worried - but I am going to ask my RE about it when I see him for the HSG test on Thursday. You think he might have warned me.

I am on day 3 of the Letrozole and haven’t had any side effects, but I think I’d prefer to have the crazy Clomid side effects knowing that at least it was FDA approved!

Baseline ultrasound

I had the baseline ultrasound yesterday. Oy! That bitch hurt! I guess not having a husband around for a few months did not make the process any easier. Luckily it didn’t last too long. At one point the nurse pointed to the screen and said “that is your uterus, where your baby will be.” It gave me chills to hear that, but I couldn’t really see anything on the screen.

The RE is going to look at the results, but I didn’t get an indication from the nurse that she saw anything abnormal. She said my follicles were measuring the right size and once she found both ovaries (right side was not being cooperative – probably not use to having something up there!) said those looked pretty good too.

I had bloodwork today, start Letrozole tonight, and have the HSG test next Thursday. To be honest I am a little scared of the HSG test now – my RE said the ultrasound wouldn’t hurt at all (WRONG!) and the HSG would be painful. Perhaps my pain tolerance sucks. I am not exactly looking forward to next Thursday, other than to hopefully rule out a tube problem.

My husband called last night to ask about the ultrasound. I was already asleep when he called so I didn’t think to sugar coat the procedure and ended up telling him that I pretty much got violated with one of those sticks they use at the airport to show the airplanes what gate to pull into, complete with condom and KY. It was funny to hear him gasp.

Happy Anniversary

Today is my two year wedding anniversary! I can’t believe we’ve already been married 2 years. I also can’t believe that he has been gone on both anniversaries. Boo. I’m not too upset because he should be back from deployment in about a month! Yay!

He called last night to wish me a happy anniversary as it was already the 17th in his time zone. I sure do love him.

Tonight is not a total loss – I get to do some girl bonding (drinking wine!) while helping my good friend fold programs and make gift bags for her wedding this weekend.

Updated Game Plan

The RE called on Friday to let me know that my bloodwork showed that I ovulated and my progesterone levels were very high. Yay! I was especially glad because when I told him that based on my temps I ovulated on day 36, he pretty much brushed me off. He did it in a very polite way, but told me it was unlikely that I ovulated at all since I was already on cycle day 45 and then gave me all the reasons why bbt is not very reliable. So based on the bloodwork results, he made some changes to my next steps.

Updated Game Plan:
• Reschedule baseline ultrasound until after I start, but before cycle day 5
• More bloodwork on cycle day 3
• Begin Letrozole on day 3-7
• HSG test around day 11 advice

I know the RE’s at this practice prefer using Letrozole over Clomid, but I forgot to ask why. He did tell me that the side effects last longer on Clomid than on Letrazole. Other than hot flashes and mood swings (my husband called Clomid my angry pills), I didn’t experience anything too bad on Clomid. Does anyone have experience with Letrozole? I would love to know what to expect.

Game plan

The RE appointment went well. I was surprised at how much time I actually spent with the doctor talking about my medical history and going over different options. He was especially understanding of our situation with B being deployed right now. His thought was to take a fairly aggressive approach to diagnosing the reason why I am either not ovulating or ovulating so late. This is the game plan as of now:

• Tomorrow get bloodwork to test hormones
• Depending on results of the bloodwork – either take Provera to start period
(if no ovulation is detected) or wait for period (if ovulation is detected).
He thinks I didn’t ovulate since I am on day 45 of my cycle now.
• Baseline ultrasound scheduled for Monday to make sure everything looks okay
• Day 3 of my cycle (whenever it starts) more bloodwork to test hormones
• Day 10 or 11 HSG test to make sure my fallopian tubes are okay

Depending on the results of all the tests I may start Clomid or Letrozole this cycle so they can monitor my ovulation. I am not really looking forward to the crappy side effects considering that B won’t even be here.

The doctor was really optimistic about our chances – but then again he hasn’t gotten any of the test results back so I am not sure what he is basing it on. But I do feel much better now that we at least have a strategy.

The big fertility appointment is tomorrow. I have spent hours filling out the freaking enormous packet of forms they sent. I am a little nervous about the appointment – even though I know it isn’t going to be a big deal. The nurse told me that I would talk to the doctor for 45 minutes and get bloodwork. That can’t be too bad. I am worried he is going to be concerned that I didn’t ovulate until day 34 this cycle. I am also struggling with the reality that I have reached the point of needing a fertility clinic in order to conceive.

I had a dentist appointment today. Most people dread going to the dentist, I always did – but I love my dentist! She is my age and even went to Auburn like me (WAR EAGLE!) We have a lot in common and today I found out that she has been trying to conceive for 2 years. I hate that she has had to go through it, but it is so nice to talk to someone who actually understands. Plus she always tells me that I have beautiful teeth!

This weekend was nice and relaxing. I participated in the Alzheimer's Association Memory Walk 2007, a wonderful event to raise awareness and funds for Alzheimer care, support and research. A friend at work started a team for the walk in honor of her mother who is living with Alzheimer’s. Our team of 4 raised over $3,000! One of the signs at the race really got to me – “There are no survivors of Alzheimer’s and there is no cure” – true, but so very sad.

On a side not, I am pretty sure I qualify as a Mountain Dew addict. It was pouring rain on Sunday – which we really needed – when I felt that I really needed a Mountain Dew. So instead of waiting for the rain to abate like a reasonable person, I put on my raincoat and went to the store to buy some Dew (and got completely drenched). But damn did that Dew taste good! Now I should be good for the week.

Talented pup

I figured I needed a happy post - so I will brag about my talented pup. What does my pup do, you ask. He runs on the treadmill! Don’t believe me? Check out this video:

(Note: Please mute the volumn, or you will hear me sound like a complete idiot.)

We got this idea from Cesar Millan, aka the Dog Whisperer. All we have to say is “get on your run” and he runs down to the basement and hops on the treadmill. It is hilarious.

Disclaimer: Don’t worry, no animals were harmed in the making of this video. He has plenty of room to jump off the treadmill if he wants, he isn't on for very long, and we don’t leave him unattended.

Deployments suck

I got to talk with B yesterday. We had a wonderfully long – 15-20 minute – conversation. I am lucky in that I get an email or phone call from him every week or so. Sometimes he can only talk for a few minutes, but it is so nice to hear his voice. Towards the end of his last deployment I learned that if I keep a list of things I want to tell him, our conversations are much easier. There is nothing worse than awkward pauses because we both are so excited to talk to each other that neither can think of anything to say.

This time I got to tell him a lot of funny stories – like that our Australian cattle dog, Count, farted so loud he jumped and then sniffed his butt (he alternates between jumping and growling at his butt when he farts!). Or that my brother called my mom this weekend to ask what you should do “if someone eats poop.” They have a miniature wiener dog who apparently left a surprise on the carpet, which my niece promptly put in her mouth. Nobody realized what happened until they went to wipe the “dirt” off of her hands, and it smelled funny. This one had B howling he was laughing so hard. I like conversations like this because I can forget how far away he is. Topics I steer clear from: his scary work/location, my boring work, next steps in our trying to conceive process, news, and celebrity gossip (oddly enough, he is not a fan).

After I got off the phone with B, I was washing dishes (with dishwasher open) when all of the sudden I heard a horrible crash. Turned around and saw Count with the bottom rack of the dishwasher attached to his collar! Somehow while he was licking the silverware - naughty dog! - he got himself attached. I wish I had a video of him running down the stairs to our basement with the bottom rack of our dishwasher “chasing” him while silverware is bouncing off the stairs. Thankfully I had only loaded three plates and miraculously they didn’t break during the chaos. My immediate reaction (after detaching said dishwasher rack) was to pick up the phone and begin dialing B’s cell phone. Then I realized where he was and it felt like the wind got knocked out of me.

This is so not what I pictured married life to be like. Not that I thought it was going to be all roses and butterflies – but I never expected to be alone half of our first 2 years of marriage, dealing with the reality of B’s job, and struggling to get pregnant. Poo, I just miss him so much.

After starting my blog yesterday I began reading other ttc blogs. Holy Hell! I cannot begin to fathom the heartache and grief of these courageous women who have tried so many means to get pregnant. Pretty much everyone I know was able to get pregnant almost immediately. For that reason, we have told very few people that we are trying to conceive because I didn’t want the questions, especially as it starting taking a while - hence the creation of a blog no one in real life knows about.

After reading the blogs of those ttc, I am amazed at how so many keep such a positive attitude, often causing me to laugh out loud one minute – a no-no at work – and tear up the next. I was inspired to get my head out of my butt and stop feeling sorry for myself that it hasn’t worked yet. I am determined to not stress myself out about it when B gets home. It’s bad enough that he is in a hostile environment now with crazy insurgents everywhere; the last thing he needs when he gets home is a crazy as hell wife who can’t stop muttering about cervical mucus and the like. (I will have to remind myself to re-read this post when B does get home … crazy comes so naturally to me I’ll need a refresher on why I need to put a lid on it.)

Thanks for the inspiration, ladies!

Let the blogging begin

I finally decided to start a blog – I think primarily so I can get my thoughts/rants out without driving those I love (read: husband) crazy. We have been married for almost 2 years. He (B) is currently deployed to heaven knows where, but I am fairly certain it isn’t a pleasant place. This is a short, 3-4 month, deployment however I have learned that short is a relative term when your loved one is away, especially in a dangerous place. He should be back in October, probably mid to late October, and it can’t come soon enough. For the most part I am doing well. It is obviously hard being alone but I understand this is something that he needs to do and I am very proud of him. That being said, it also SUCKS to be alone. I guess I am not really alone – we have two monsters, I mean dogs, that keep me very busy: Count (short for Count Chocula) and Molly

I am trying to stay busy and not focus on the gigantic elephant in the room – trying to get pregnant … again. We started trying when he got home from his last deployment in March 2006. I was diagnosed with endometriosis when I was 21, but after treatment I hadn’t had any problems, so I assumed getting pregnant would be a breeze. Damn optimism. After 7 months of trying, my doctor said I ovulate late (24+ DPO) and should consider fertility meds. Lo and behold that month (November 2006) I get a positive pregnancy test, actually 5 positive pregnancy tests! We were so excited. I had to wait a few days to get into the doctor for a blood test, but finally got in the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. It was important to me to get in before Thanksgiving because we were traveling down to Florida to spend Thanksgiving with my parents and I wanted a confirmation from the doctor before I told them. The blood test takes 24 hours to get results. I remember stopping at Backyard Burger in Nashville on our drive to Florida Tuesday evening – after eating I went to the bathroom and saw blood. I was devastated, but still thought it would be okay. Damn optimism. The doctor’s office called Wednesday morning to tell me that while my test came back positive they wanted me to come back for “additional tests.” When I told her that I was already bleeding, she said that she figured it would happen soon because my pregnancy hormone, hcg, was so low. I thought I would be okay once she told me because I pretty much already knew, but when I told B that it was a miscarriage I broke down. Generally tears scare the hell out of him, but he was great and just held me while I cried.

Fast forward to June – I finished my 6th round of Clomid (three of those with Metformin) and still nothing. Each month I thought it was our month. Damn optimism. The worst was getting my period the day before B deployed. That was a new low for me, even though I tried to put on a happy face because he was about to leave. My gyn has now referred me to a fertility specialist. I honestly never thought I would need it. I joke with B that we wasted a lot of money on birth control before we started trying to get pregnant! He disagrees - his thought is if we didn’t want to get pregnant I would get knocked up immediately. My appointment with the fertility doctor is on September 13. Hopefully he can figure out what is wrong *quickly* and I can get pregnant soon after B returns from deployment.

Wow! I feel much better after getting all that out. I didn’t intend to write much this first time, but I think I needed it.