Friday, August 31, 2007

After starting my blog yesterday I began reading other ttc blogs. Holy Hell! I cannot begin to fathom the heartache and grief of these courageous women who have tried so many means to get pregnant. Pretty much everyone I know was able to get pregnant almost immediately. For that reason, we have told very few people that we are trying to conceive because I didn’t want the questions, especially as it starting taking a while - hence the creation of a blog no one in real life knows about.

After reading the blogs of those ttc, I am amazed at how so many keep such a positive attitude, often causing me to laugh out loud one minute – a no-no at work – and tear up the next. I was inspired to get my head out of my butt and stop feeling sorry for myself that it hasn’t worked yet. I am determined to not stress myself out about it when B gets home. It’s bad enough that he is in a hostile environment now with crazy insurgents everywhere; the last thing he needs when he gets home is a crazy as hell wife who can’t stop muttering about cervical mucus and the like. (I will have to remind myself to re-read this post when B does get home … crazy comes so naturally to me I’ll need a refresher on why I need to put a lid on it.)

Thanks for the inspiration, ladies!

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Let the blogging begin

I finally decided to start a blog – I think primarily so I can get my thoughts/rants out without driving those I love (read: husband) crazy. We have been married for almost 2 years. He (B) is currently deployed to heaven knows where, but I am fairly certain it isn’t a pleasant place. This is a short, 3-4 month, deployment however I have learned that short is a relative term when your loved one is away, especially in a dangerous place. He should be back in October, probably mid to late October, and it can’t come soon enough. For the most part I am doing well. It is obviously hard being alone but I understand this is something that he needs to do and I am very proud of him. That being said, it also SUCKS to be alone. I guess I am not really alone – we have two monsters, I mean dogs, that keep me very busy: Count (short for Count Chocula) and Molly

I am trying to stay busy and not focus on the gigantic elephant in the room – trying to get pregnant … again. We started trying when he got home from his last deployment in March 2006. I was diagnosed with endometriosis when I was 21, but after treatment I hadn’t had any problems, so I assumed getting pregnant would be a breeze. Damn optimism. After 7 months of trying, my doctor said I ovulate late (24+ DPO) and should consider fertility meds. Lo and behold that month (November 2006) I get a positive pregnancy test, actually 5 positive pregnancy tests! We were so excited. I had to wait a few days to get into the doctor for a blood test, but finally got in the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. It was important to me to get in before Thanksgiving because we were traveling down to Florida to spend Thanksgiving with my parents and I wanted a confirmation from the doctor before I told them. The blood test takes 24 hours to get results. I remember stopping at Backyard Burger in Nashville on our drive to Florida Tuesday evening – after eating I went to the bathroom and saw blood. I was devastated, but still thought it would be okay. Damn optimism. The doctor’s office called Wednesday morning to tell me that while my test came back positive they wanted me to come back for “additional tests.” When I told her that I was already bleeding, she said that she figured it would happen soon because my pregnancy hormone, hcg, was so low. I thought I would be okay once she told me because I pretty much already knew, but when I told B that it was a miscarriage I broke down. Generally tears scare the hell out of him, but he was great and just held me while I cried.

Fast forward to June – I finished my 6th round of Clomid (three of those with Metformin) and still nothing. Each month I thought it was our month. Damn optimism. The worst was getting my period the day before B deployed. That was a new low for me, even though I tried to put on a happy face because he was about to leave. My gyn has now referred me to a fertility specialist. I honestly never thought I would need it. I joke with B that we wasted a lot of money on birth control before we started trying to get pregnant! He disagrees - his thought is if we didn’t want to get pregnant I would get knocked up immediately. My appointment with the fertility doctor is on September 13. Hopefully he can figure out what is wrong *quickly* and I can get pregnant soon after B returns from deployment.

Wow! I feel much better after getting all that out. I didn’t intend to write much this first time, but I think I needed it.